on-beliefs

The Last Word: On Beliefs

I have completed what I set out to complete in writing these essays after all these years. What began as a way to keep in touch with friends around the globe quickly morphed into a way for me to reveal myself, more and more. I was so shy for so long. Like, I can hardly believe how shy I was. I always wanted to go crazy and just be outgoing and able to meet people and be myself and connect. Every time I wrote these newsletters, it was like another layer chipped off of my fear. After a hiatus, when…
a-meditation-on-slowness

On Slowness

I have never been happier, more successful, more fulfilled, more clear, or more surrounded by people who inspire me. And yet. I don’t know what the and yet is. But we’ll get there. I think that’s the point of this. When I was a wee thing, I was known as tizzy-fit Brit. For those who don’t know, Otis Funkmeyer was originally my nom de plume; my given name was Brit Wolfson. So anyway, I was known as tizzy-fit Brit. This was because I would throw tantrums. I remember in third grade being singled out for talking during class. This particular…
on-flexibility

On Flexibility

Ok! In contrast to last month which was a lot about me, this month is only incidentally about me. I mean, of course it’s about me, me being me and all. But I’m just a stand-in for a principle that’s really about you–because it’s a principle. I’m just a symbol representing an archetypal process that we all go through. McLuhan would like this one. Otis Funkmeyer as semiotic representation. Geez guys you’re making me feel all academic and shit. On Flexibility Our topic for this glorious month, now passed, when winter gives way to Spring, time of birds, bees, and…
on-clarity

On Clarity

I had a moment there when I was clear. Like, really, really clear. I saw this vision. I had a TV show. I was working with all these creative crazies. People who were tripped out and weird and excited and up for things. They had funny ideas and skills and know how. Their Google wizardry made me blush. They were graduates of YouTube University. They were young and vibrant and making amazing, amazing shows. I had it there for that moment. And then things got foggy. The Ephemerality of Clarity Jenny was assaulted on a train. By teenage girls. Her…
on-professionalism

On Professionalism

I seem to be rounding a bend of some sorts in my life. Every area of my life is going well without life-threatening obstacles for the first time I can remember. Most importantly, all of the things that are going well are the things that I actually want to be doing. As Will Smith says, “No Plan B! Plan B just distracts from Plan A.” My dream, my one and only dream, is to make a “Funkmeyers” TV show. I think I’ve actually had this dream for quite some time, but it no longer feels like future tense. I want…
on-momentum

On Momentum

The first thing to do here is to say that this one is definitely a little bit more about me and what I’m doing. If you read these for your own life and are not interested in mine, you might just wanna skim this. Just a heads up. My Life My life is good right now. Calmly, steadily, actively good. I feel an expanding sense of momentum. I have multiple videos coming out each week, new songs getting better and better, scripts written, hiring actors and crew, running a weekly open mic that is super rad, and collaborating very well…
on-authority

On Authority

Since dying in Mexico in December, I’ve been wondering who the new me is. What does he look like? What’s changed? What’s the same? The first obvious changes seemed to be more gentleness, more desire for service, and at least a little more humility. Since coming back, I’ve tried to put all of this into action by more openly sharing my thoughts and ideas with friends, both through writing and in person. And a shocking thing seems to be happening. People are actually listening to me. I am developing a sense of personal authority. Like what I say matters. Immediately…
on-anal-healing

On Anal Healing

Ever since I first began having entheogen-induced spontaneous past-life memories in 2005, I have re-experienced vivid anal traumas. Torture, self-flagellation, concentration camps, molestation, and brutal Inquisition-style devices designed specifically to produce as much pain in the anus as possible. For so very long, I was convinced that this was because I was gay. That the deep dark secret waiting for me was that I was gay and that this was bad. Now, obviously, I have no problem with anyone else being gay but for me, this was like the worst thing I could be. Why? I don’t know. Shame I’d…
on-nourishment

On Nourishment

I feel quiet and slow. Which is what this month is about. It’s going to be (a little) less about me and a little bit more about being quiet and slow. And about winter. And nourishment and rest and solitude and peace and gratitude and yielding. And grounding. I call it… “On Nourishment.” I feel very nourished right now. Much of my running around, especially in the winter time, was an attempt to run away from what is now termed “Seasonal Affective Disorder.” This strikes me as a funny term for a natural process that has become a “disorder” because…
on-criticism

On Criticism

So after my last newsletter, I received a lot of very nice responses. Very thoughtful, very kind, very congratulatory. That kind of thing. But of course, this being the Internet and all… I also received this: Criticism I’m gonna be real honest with this one right here. It really made me angry at first. I don’t personally know the person who wrote it. I found it very rude and unnecessary. It’s like… umm.. unsubscribe. If you are trying to be helpful, like, learn to write. Stuff like that. It all came up for me. I wanted to write a big…
on-releasing

On Releasing

Since I hurt my back in Mexico in the story detailed in last month’s newsletter, I have mostly fallen off of my sun salutation workout regimen. These things happen. That’s why habits are so important. At the same time, I have begun to wonder if it goes a little deeper than that, considering I died in Mexico. I have begun to wonder if perhaps the dead guy’s ideas and the dead guy’s ways are not my ideas and ways. The way that this manifests in relation to the sun salutation is that for seven years, I had been rigidly, day…
on-completion

On Completion

The longest newsletter I’ve ever written. I can already feel it before I even start. So here’s my promise. If you’re willing to stick with it, see it through its ups and downs, ins and outs, non-sequiturs and seeming diversions, I think it is likely you may find that this is the best thing I’ve ever written. I haven’t actually written it yet. It’s just a feeling. And by best, I mean, most meaningful and useful and universal and memorable and nice and honest. So, to start off with, I’m back in Los Angeles and it seems I might actually…
on-desire

On Desire

So my trip is over. Just like that. One week out of the country and I’m completely and totally over it. I am living the dreams of a 25-year old version of myself. His dreams are no longer my dreams. This has been made clear. My desire has been quenched. This is a strange and delightful feeling for me, now. But when it was still new and I was experiencing the contrast–the feeling of not liking this thing I thought I was supposed to like–it was pretty painful. In case you didn’t notice, I wrote about pain just last week,…
on-pain

On Pain

I don’t know why I’m writing this one. I’ve been guided to. I would like to start by encouraging you to do what you are guided to do. The reasons become clear later. That is kind of the point of the whole thing, including what I’m writing about, pain. As the Buddha said, pain is mandatory, suffering is optional. And the capital R Real Reality is that when you are experiencing pain–especially of the psychological and spiritual variety–it’s really the suffering that is the problem. It’s what solidifies the pain sensation into something that hurts. So what we’re here to…
my-encounter-with-the-preying-mantis-aliens

On Preying Mantis Aliens

This is another one of those thangs that I’ve wanted to write for a very long time. This is a story that took place right around Christmas in the year of our lord 2007. Jenny had dragged me to a vipassana meditation retreat (thanks mahco!). This is one of my absolute most out there stories and if I had heard this before I was about 26, I would have thought that the person writing it was clearly delusional and mistaking things that went on in their head for reality. So, if you are like that, you can just read this…
on-sucking

On Sucking

Hey hey hey! How are you!? Good! How am I you say!?? Well, now that you ask, I’ve actually been feeling a bit confused this month. More so than usual. It kinda feels like the good old days when confusion was one of my closest friends. And you know how when you see an old friend that you haven’t seen in a while and it’s like no time has passed at all… Well, it’s kinda been like that. The confusion seems to be the collision of two things: my stated intention to be traveling around the world performing for the…
on-transmutation

On Transmutation

I have long wanted to write about this. Actor Owen Wilson tried to kill himself in 2007. Wilson’s biggest movie prior to his suicide attempt was a super lighthearted sex-romp comedy called “Wedding Crashers.” His image was that of a laidback, charming stoner. Someone we could all look to when we took life too seriously. Just chill out and blaze a doob, bro. And then he slit his wrists. It gets real here on Earth sometimes… Below the Surface Isn’t it strange. What is beneath the perfect smile is so often so different from the appearance that when the bubble…
on-success

On Success

I happen to be sitting just outside of the “Twilight” movie premiere right now. This was not planned, at least on the personality level of existence. I keep hearing people screaming about Pattison and Kristen and this and that. I’ve actually never been this close to something of this magnitude of celebrity worship. It’s a first. The first thought that hit me as I rode by on my bike was–a little surprisingly I must say–yuck. The throngs of people waiting for a sight of these stars make me understand why political theorists develop terms like “the masses.” And it’s interesting…
on-pacing

On Pacing

The pace of my life is increasing. Slowly but surely. This is most obvious in the area of travel. I am moving more and more often between larger and larger distances, with greater regularity. I am losing touch with the person for whom traveling was a big deal. The idea of being excited about “a trip” doesn’t make as much sense to me as it once did. I am in motion. This sounds great. This is great. But as they say, it’s all neutral. Every situation has its own challenges, no matter how dreamlike it may appear on the outside…
on-the-long-haul

On The Long Haul

For the first time since I’ve started writing again, I have some resistance to writing this time. It’s like it’s gone from being this fun thing I get to do and started its transformation into a job. I wrote not too long ago about my philosophy that you have to have a job–you just get to pick it. And this newsletter is–just because I declare it so–part of my job. Sharing my experiences, keeping my thoughts and ideas and presence out there in the ethers of the universe, month after month, whether I feel like it or not. This is…
on-passion

On Passion

What do you want in your life? The most fundamental question of all the questions. If I could change one thing about the world, it’s that everyone I met would know in detail–in exciting, wide-eyed detail–what they want in their life. I would go so far as to say that this is the only thing “wrong” with the world. The only thing preventing what we could only call a utopia from descending upon the Earth. The fact that people, by and large, do not know, in any detail, or in any fashion, what they want their life to look like.…
on-courage

On Courage

Wheewie. Phewie. Ooweeeeeee. Yup. I sit here in Bellingham, Washington having the same old feeling that you’ve heard me go on and on about time and time again. Amazement that it happened again. I left Seattle because my guidance said to leave and go to Bellingham. I had made new friends at a juggling festival who told me to come visit in Bellingham but in truth, I barely knew these people. As the time got closer for me to get on the train, I started getting text messages from them wanting to make sure I knew that they were busy…
on-clairvoyance

On Clairvoyance

I consciously became a psychic in 2006 under the tutelage of Debra Katz, author of “You Are Psychic” and founder of the International School of Clairvoyance in Los Angeles. Impressive sounding lol. I unconsciously became a psychic in high school, when I realized I was better able to understand the problems someone was having with a certain class better than the teacher. I could just feel what they were having difficulty with. I could never explain it but it felt kind of uncanny, like I knew what they were going to say before they said it. I didn’t realize that…
on-honesty

On Honesty

Here goes nothing. It’s been a wild ride this month. I feel like now that we’re getting close to 3 months in to the trip, it’s actually really starting. Like the reality that this is my new reality is beginning to set in. As I settle in to it, a deeper realization surfaces. The reality of the trip is that it’s like a present moment bootcamp. If it’s not obvious or apparent, I am certainly hanging on by a thread. I seem to have less and less control over the direction of the trip or the ways how everything is…
on-dependence

On Dependence

Independence. In dependence. In a state of depending. Needing others. Enmeshed in a web of humanity. Needing others. Needing others.. Needing others… Not a common definition of independence, that’s for sure. Fortunately, the “common definition” of independence is like most of the rest of the decaying carcass of old reality all around us, at best a lie and at worst an insidious disinformation meme that keeps us looking outside of our immediate surroundings–friends, family, and community–toward large institutions for support and sustenance. Rugged independents drive Ford. When you’re too tough to rely on others, you smoke Marlboro. Independent housewives shop…
on-longevity

On Longevity

I had the opportunity to spend time with Pete Carroll at one point in my life. For those who don’t know, Carroll is one of the winningest college football coaches in the history of the game. He led the USC Trojans to a 34-game win streak and two national titles and took on the aura of a John Wooden or Knute Rockne–the coach who could do no wrong and who always had his focus in the right place, with quotes about teamwork or cooperation or… longevity–galore. One of my favorite quotes of Caroll’s goes something like For all my Israelis…
on-work-ethic

On Work Ethic

Last time I wrote you, it was 2:30 AM. This time, it’s 4AM. I still have my daily sun salutations left to do–that’s 7 of them. It has been a day of movement so things got pushed back. There is a large part of me that would rather not be doing this right now but I continue. It’s not about what I want and don’t want. It’s about my commitments. They are bigger than me. I have realized that you have to have a job. The thing that most people don’t realize is that you get to pick it. Entirely.…
on-humility

On Humility

I am in San Francisco. I am actually in Oakland but it’s all the same to me at some level. I am writing this on an old friend’s couch. It is a quarter-to-three in the morning. It is my duty to write every Monday. Monday night it be. I have arrived here ostensibly for a wedding. The wedding was for a friend from high school, unrelated to the couch I’m on for what it’s worth. Both of these experiences, the wedding and the couch, have been lessons–each in their own way–in humility. Humility has been on my mind. Humility has…
on-ego-negotiation

On Ego Negotiation

We begin with a quote. This quote greets me every morning as I unlock my phone as a reminder. The quote is from Elon Musk, founder of Paypal, Tesla, and SpaceX. It is in reference to the fact that the first 3 of SpaceX’s rocket launches exploded. Musk personally lost $200 million in those explosions. And it goes a little somethin’ like this, kick it: That’s how I feel. I hope and pray that all goes well but I don’t really care, deep down. If everything goes to hell, I will continue. If I become bloody and battered, I will…
on-patience

On Patience

For most of my life, I had very little patience. At least in the short term. I guess I’ve always had long-term patience. The patience that makes you keep dancing even though you still suck, hoping that one day in the distant future you will be good. But that short-term patience was always in very low supply. The kind of patience that makes you take on a small project and see it through, from start to finish, without rushing. Taking the time to polish something. Doing it over and over. Focusing on process and progress rather than end results. As…
on-determination

On Determination

I was watching a TED talk last night by the head of DARPA, best known as the people who created the Internet. She said that, in reality, in actual fact, her mission is to empower people to do what they would do if they knew they could not fail. And it again became clear to me. If I knew I could not fail, I would without question be the greatest street performer that ever lived. The most skilled. The most entertaining. The most life-changing. The most engaged. The most loved. The most desired. I would shine my light into the…
on-perseverence

On Perseverance

Perseverance. In the age of 4-minute abs, 30-day transformations, liposuction, gastric bypass, internet billionaires who “did it in 2 years,” and various other tales of overnight success, perseverance feels decidedly old-fashioned. Like something your great-grandparents did. Like the name Wilbert or Hornice, George or Ethel. Like rhubarb and rutabaga. It feels dusty, like some old guy in a straw hat and overalls, out on the farm, clutching some kind of makeshift rag, wiping the sweat off his brow. In the parlance of the youth, perseverance isn’t very swaggy. And yet, perseverance is the truth beneath the great lie of our…
on-chipping-away

On Chipping Away

So I went and juggled for 4 hours last night in the courtyard of a high school. The lighting was excellent, the weather was warm, and my little tiny iPhone speakers were more than adequate. I had a great time. Ego Negotiation I have made a deal with myself using the technique of ego negotiation. The deal was this. I will finally, once and for all, go out and perform when I’ve run through my entire routine in practice five times in a row without a single drop. When I make deals with myself like this, I wonder sometimes if…
on-going-for-it

On Going For It

The last time I wrote one of these newsletters was about 4 years ago. As I’m sure is true of your life as well, much has changed in that time. I don’t want to spend too much time catching up, so Imma just make a quick lil list and we’ll consider ourselves caught up I got married, I got my first taste of stardom, I lived in a yurt in downtown LA. I also lived in Paris, Hong Kong, and Tijuana. I became a hardcore gardener. I legally changed my name. My marriage almost fell apart. I went on a…
on-apocalypse

On Apocalypse

“The greatest power requires the lightest touch. That’s why you hardly notice what you call God at all.” -Bashar It dawns on me more and more each day that my all-too-human desires for mass die-offs, currency collapses, the huge monumental oil-spill-cum-tsunamiquake to end all natural disasters or at least some damn UFO disclosure might just not happen. Ever. Disclosure may turn out to take years or decades and once it happens, it might have all proceeded so slowly that it’s like when your brother is suddenly six foot six. You didn’t even notice, because it happened so gradually and he…
on-wikileaks

On Wikileaks and the Dimensional Shift

For those of us in the know, there is a dimensional shift well underway. The unstoppable forces of technology, prophecy, and ecological necessity conspire to thrust us wholly out of the old paradigm into a new way of being whose form remains just out of reach, on the tip of everyone's tongue, yet still unable to be fully articulated.  For the flower children it appears as 11:11 and the weird precognitive glimpses. For the more left-brained it usually reveals itself as the technological singularity or the impending ecological catastrophe, but it's there… it will not be ignored. As I'm sure…
on-the-future

On The Future

I see a future of unlimited possibility. Wait, that sounds lame. I see fruit-tree-lined boulevards–where all is free for the picking, making the abundant nature of the Gaian Matrix too obvious to even be questioned. And that one sounds all hippieish… hrmm. OK. I see a future of nanobots who keep city streets clean coupled with an augmented reality that turns every human into a walking Wikipedia. That one at least sounds pretty hip, doesn’t it? The future I imagine, the one I encourage using your conscious power of creation to yank out of the ether and into form, is…
on-surrender

On Surrender

Life has been quite the little roller-coaster lately. Can you relate? I haven’t been humbled like this in as long as I can remember. Like hands on knees, why oh why kind of days and nights. This has eased up slightly and I have realized a couple things that are worth passing on: Greatness comes out of weakness, not without weakness. If it feels like you’ve hit bottom, you’re on the verge of a breakthrough. I have been shown parts of myself that I truly would have preferred not to have seen or dealt with. If it had been possible,…
on-bashar

On Bashar

There is really only one book I can recommend if we’re talking about #whatworks and how to create a new reality on this planet in a grounded, effective way. Interestingly, at first glance my book choice is about as out there as it gets. First, it’s channeled. This immediately calls everything about it into question for many people. Second, it’s channeled from an extraterrestrial. Third, it’s channeled from a hybrid half-human, half-Zeta Reticuli alien who lives in a parallel dimension 300 years in our future on a planet in an entirely different star system between Sirius and Orion. I mention…
on-inner-changes

On Inner Changes

For those who see it, the world is changing faster than ever. This is probably most obvious technologically, as the web and ever more powerful cell phones transform life as we’ve known it for millenia and millenia and millenia. Less obvious, but just as dramatically, we are experiencing a spiritual revolution. It is less obvious because it is under the radar and is happening on an individual basis. It is a leaderless, faceless movement, composed of millions of people who are waking up to the fact that they are more beautiful, more powerful, and more expansive than they had ever…
on-improvisation

On Improvisation

So it is the night of my first show in Bali, my first paid show of my life. “Breakdancing, Aliens, and God” goes live tonight. My one-man show, fully improvised, fully alive, fully me. I have decided, or more accurately been told, to write a handout each time I have a show for the audience and for myself to collect my thoughts about the theme of the show that night. This is the first handout. Life here is miraculous. I have an amazing mansion, an amazing raw food chef on staff, and an amazing life and career and friends. And…
on-extraterrestrial-existence

On Extraterrestrial Existence

So it’s a couple hours before my show and I am feeling this sort of malaise. I’m gonna write it out here because I find that this helps me and you all seem to find it valuable at times. I am creating now, on my path, doing my thing, and well, so what? My friend Tamara told me about this warehouse filled with boxed paintings that people had labored over and on and on and on and you get the drift. They’re all just in boxes in a nameless warehouse now. It feels a little meaningless. On top of that,…
on-mayan-cosmology

On Mayan Cosmology

Here was the program for the second show I did. It was Wednesday and the theme was Mayan Cosmology. The shows have gone really well. The amazing thing is that I am *finally* having the courage to do what Bashar told me to do all along: do what is my highest joy, simply because it is my highest joy. Not because I think it will make me rich or famous or will pay the bills, but simply because it’s who I am. I LOVE DOING THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING! Just get me on a stage, any stage, and I will…
on-illusion

On Illusion

Shockingly, stunningly, and obviously, I did it. I made it in Bali for an entire month with 0 dollars. Yes, that’s right, 0 dollars. I have spent exactly 0 dollars and 0 cents since being here and I think that I have lived more fully and more expansively and eaten better than I ever have in my life. I have met more amazing people than I would have 2 years ago hoped to meet in my entire life. All without glasses or a plan or a change of clothes or any idea where I was going to stay many many…
on-acceleration

On Acceleration

$4 gas, black man for pres, global weirding, oprah’s gone vegan. my friends, the times they are accelerating. We find ourselves hitting the gas along the curve of exponential growth/change/evolution into totally unprecedented territories and uncharted waters. I know that we’re all feeling it because I’m feeling it. The ride is definitely bumpy and like a rollercoaster, just when you relax and get to the top, the bottom falls out from under you and you’re sent shooting out into the unknown yet again. I write now because I’ve been meaning to and because in about 6 hours I have a…
on-relaxation

On Relaxation

Over the past two days, I have gone from wondering if maybe relaxation was a key to flexibility (and to life) to knowing that without a doubt it is. This is especially true for someone like myself who has suffered from a general sense of high-tension throughout the body, specifically in the joints. I have just been exposed to what is perhaps the best book I have ever read, Hands of Light by Barbara Brennan. This book explains health and wellness through the energy system and is a course in healing through this energy system. I have spent so much…
on-cycles

On Cycles

So it was only three weeks ago that I made a video saying that I would release a work out into the world everyday (meaning in my head [then and now] Monday-Friday). Whether this is an article (like now), a song, a design, a painting, or a video, or something else I haven’t even thought of yet, I wanted to commit myself to doing this. This came out of another habit that I have setup for myself with exercise. Early last year, while backpacking in the Middle East and eating a lot and exercising not at all, I realized that…
on-output

On Output

I have turned a new leaf when it comes to creative output. I have decided that my only goal from here on out, Monday through Friday, week in and week out, is to do something. One thing. One finished thing. Whether it’s an article, a design, a web site, a marketing plan, a video, or a song, I just gotta get one thing done each day. The beautiful thing about this is that there is always something I’m interested in doing each day, oftentimes something that I’ve wanted to do for a while. And as it sinks in that doing…
on-auric-plate-armor

On Auric Plate Armor

I started “studying” sexuality, in the formal, academic sense of the word, about a year ago now. One of the first books I read was Carol Queen’s wonderful Exhibitionism For the Shy. In this wonderful book which I really should read again, I was introduced to the name Wilhelm Reich. Seven crazy coincidences and lots of googling later, I realized that this Reich fellow was probably the most interesting person I had ever had the pleasure of reading about. A student of Sigmun Freud, the original cokehead himself, Reich eventually split with his teacher and began extensive study of the…