On Desire

So my trip is over. Just like that. One week out of the country and I’m completely and totally over it. I am living the dreams of a 25-year old version of myself. His dreams are no longer my dreams. This has been made clear. My desire has been quenched.

This is a strange and delightful feeling for me, now. But when it was still new and I was experiencing the contrast–the feeling of not liking this thing I thought I was supposed to like–it was pretty painful. In case you didn’t notice, I wrote about pain just last week, just one day before I began experiencing the tremendous pain I was referring to.

In that essay, I even started by mentioning that I didn’t even know why I was writing about pain. I was just guided to. Well, jokes on me. The next day, I got on a bus full of hippies to go to Palenque in Mexico to celebrate 2012. Just moments before I got on the bus, I lifted my bicycle and my back seized. I could barely breathe and after receiving an emergency massage, I just managed to get on the bus and lie down. I could barely move for the next day. This experience was basically a microcosm of the next week, just one disaster after another. Bus breaks down, hippies run out of money for gas, hippies start fighting, cliques start forming.

I realized that this is what I had forgotten about. The reality of traveling. The reality of this brand of adventure. Backpacking. Venturing into the unknown, just for the sake of the unknown.

And I discovered that I’m completely over it.

It became clear when three 21-year olds on the bus befriended some drunken Mexicans in a parking lot where the bus was broken down outside of Mexico City. They were so excited–real live Mexicans! “They are so friendly!” “This is so cool!” “What an adventure!” To which I replied internally, I just want to go home.

Why Does this Happen?

Bashar talks about the idea that one must follow their excitement just because it’s exciting. That’s it. You can’t expect that your excitement will lead anywhere, especially not to where you hope it will.
If your excitement changes at any point, you just go right ahead and change along with it. As long as there is excitement, the saga continues. The reason for the excitement is secondary.

I hoped I was going to be this street performer struggling for the next four years to hone my craft and amaze the world with my skill and talent while riding on hippies’ buses and sleeping on third-world concrete floors. The shit still sounds romantic to me. But now that I’ve been doing it, I just want my nice bed and to stop pretending like I’m some kind of hobo.

As I settled into this and realized that I have enough money to buy a plane ticket home, I started feeling really good. Surprisingly, I don’t feel like a disappointment at all. I feel like I’m actually finally having the experience that Bashar talked about. I’m just gonna keep right on following my excitement. I was excited about going to Mexico so I went. I stopped being excited about Mexico so I go home. It’s actually very simple. The only hard part is being willing to not give a care if people think that makes you flaky or something. You just don’t take on their judgment and go right on following your excitement. What a huge lesson.

Why I Went Through This

The main thing that came to me during all of this pain, during all of my recitation of the mantra “this means something good is coming,” was that I love Jenny. A lot. So much. So so much. And that I’ve been so arrogant.

I know it’s pretty typical guy stuff fear of commitment blah blah. But I had a bunch of that. Our relationship was really hard. And I always wondered if maybe it’d be better to go travel around the world by myself, doing my own thing. Finally, things got to the point where I had to actually go do that. And it only took a very very short time to realize that I don’t want to do that at all. Being married to Jenny and in partnership with her is WAAAAAY better than that, is in fact by far the most exciting thing I can think of, no matter how hard it can be at times.

And so it humbled me and changed me. It made me see how much I treat people like “I don’t need you” and how inflexible I can be when collaborating, because hey, if you don’t like me, I don’t care, I’m outta here.

Well, I hurt my back, I couldn’t move, I’m not outta here. Mortality hit me. I do need people. Sounds so cliché. Well it’s my cliché and I’ll express it if I want to.

I have a new-found willingness to just do what it takes to make this partnership, relationship, marriage work. To change. To not mentally run out the back door when things start going bad. To realize that maybe taking space for a few days by running off to San Francisco is fine, but it just means I’m not home for a few days, not that I’m going off to live a new life.

It gave me perspective. I couldn’t see what I had because I was always wondering if the grass was greener. Well, I’ll tell you, the grass is hairy, dirty, and smells like patchouli. I’ll pass.

The Nature of Desire in the Journey of the Soul

My dad is an evolutionary astrologer and has taught me the concept of separating desires. From this perspective, the soul basically has two desires: to separate and to return to source. Thus the wheel of time, karma, and fate turns as these two desires rub back and forth across one another. The only way out is to literally exhaust all of the separating desires and thus return to source, knowing full well that there’s no other place you’d rather be.

I had this desire to be this street performer look at me look at me traveling around the world free as a bird high as a kite with not a care in the world. For four years. That’s what I wanted.

So I had to do it. Because that’s how desire works. You have to do it. You have to exhaust it. The funny part is that it took only a week, rather than four years. I didn’t see that one coming.

And by exhausting this desire, life goes on. New desires are birthed.

The Perfection of Reality as it Relates to Desire

As I sat on the bus feeling so over it, I thought to myself, wow. Really. It’s over. My adolescence. My wanderlust. My desire to Peter Pan around the universe. I began to desire building something lasting, something strong. I felt sentimental about our garden, our fruit trees, our dog and our chickens. Jenny and her daughters. Funkmeyers… Funkmeyers… Funkmeyers. I want to live my life with meaning, be part of something larger than myself, grow old with it, and then pass on.

But… I realized I actually still want to travel. Just not like this. I want to travel with a group of friends and for a reason. To build something. To shoot something (video not gun). Some kind of mission. Something meaningful. And to do it with more style. Staying at nicer places, eating at nicer places; roughing it for adventure’s sake, not because we’re poor. As I sat on the bus, I thought to myself, yah, but that’s “hard.” To travel with a group, in style, making a video, with a camera team. That’s expensive and how will I ever do it. I decided, you know what, I don’t know how I will do it, but that’s what I want. And I’ll just leave it at that.

I called Jenny to check in and tell her I wanted to come home. We cried and fell in love all over again. She then told me that she was ordered by her guidance to go with a small team back to Bolivia (she was just there) for a project that revealed itself on her last trip. She wants to leave about a week from now. She wants me to come along.

On a mission. With friends..

It happened instantly. One desire effortlessly morphed into another. Abraham says this is how reality works, really. Ask and it is given. It’s that simple.

Within twenty-four hours, evidence of its manifestation revealed itself.

So, I say to you… You are a divine child of the universe, both ancient and young at once, with an identity far beyond the annals of time. Remember your true heritage. Remember that your desires are there for the evolution of your soul, of the universe, and of God itself. Bask in your desires because the truth is that as I found, when you actually start living them, they’re often not that great anyway and they’re really just fodder for deeper lessons to evolve your soul.

I urge you to go for it, all the way, ever deeper into the unknown, and to turn your dreams into reality, which is nothing more than a dream itself.

I do so love you. Goodnight.

Comments (6)

  1. dear otis,sorry i have been so long in responding. a wonderful friend of mine shared your site with me. i always found it fun, unique and interesting. however it was just one of the many items in my email until this last one. i do realize your transformation was real. i want to say that it is amazing to me that you are so articulate and able to express this experience so well. keep on sharing your life and mind and heart. it is a great service. warmly selima miriam

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