On Honesty

Here goes nothing.

It’s been a wild ride this month. I feel like now that we’re getting close to 3 months in to the trip, it’s actually really starting. Like the reality that this is my new reality is beginning to set in.

As I settle in to it, a deeper realization surfaces. The reality of the trip is that it’s like a present moment bootcamp. If it’s not obvious or apparent, I am certainly hanging on by a thread. I seem to have less and less control over the direction of the trip or the ways how everything is going to come together but for those of you who know me well, you probably also know that everything is coming together, again and again, beyond my wildest expectations.

In this way, I am forced more and more to drop my plans of how something is going to happen or how long I’m going to be somewhere and just be. Where I am. When I’m there. It’s almost as though I don’t really have a choice. Every time I try to make something happen, it turns out badly. Every time I allow things to happen, it turns out wonderfully. You can only live in such a state for so long before you realize that you have no other option but to surrender. It’s like your ego just gets beat out of you through repetition. Humbling for sure but even more than that, it’s freeing.

Freeing because I’m no longer in control. I don’t have expectations of other people. I don’t think they owe me something. If they flake or bail, so be it. That’s what’s happening. What can I do from that point? What’s the next option? What’s the next move? There’s always a next move.

And when you let other people off the hook, they like you a lot better. They feel free to be themselves, which is a gift few people allow them. They can be selfish or emotional and know that with you at least, it’s like, c’est la vie homie, c’est la vie.

It’s also freeing because if I don’t like someone’s behavior, I’m free to just leave. I don’t have to make it all dramatic and cause a scene. I can just say, you know what, I’m not really feeling this. Peace.

It’s been a good six years now of getting used to this, starting with giving away all my possessions in LA in 2007 and then going to Bali with no money in 2008. Both of these worked out very well. The first led to my marriage and the second led to my Galactic Activation. With that said, I still hadn’t been able to shake that existential fear/terror of the unknown. No matter how many times things worked out splendidly, the gaping void still loomed, scary as ever.

I have rounded a bend. I feel more confident. If I had to sum up the reason why, it’s mainly that I understand that there’s always a next move. You are never stuck, no matter how scary things seem at any particular moment. The way that I have learned this lesson has been very much the topic of this month for me, and will serve as the topic of this month’s newsletter. Honesty. In particular, honest communication.

A Challenging Past

I imagine some of you look at me as fairly bull-headed, pushing through life and doing whatever I feel like doing with my life. There is truth to this. At the same time, I have had an incredibly timid side to myself who has difficulty getting my own needs met. Difficulty making simple requests of others. Could you turn that music down? Can we roll up the windows? Is it OK if we stop so I can go to the bathroom?

More than any of these though, actual needs–or “failings”–of mine, were the scariest. I don’t have a place to stay. Could I stay with you? I have x amount of money. Can you help out with a meal? The core stuff. The stuff that really can be very humbling, especially when you are all into how great and special you are like I can be. The stuff that has the potential to make you feel like a loser. The stuff where you could get rejected. “Humiliated.” Where you could get found out. That behind the front, you’re actually just a person in need. Not the cool, calm, together, collected person you have presented yourself to be.

Through a series of very synchronistic and specific encounters, this month has been very much about releasing and processing these fears for me. About having the courage to speak up and say what I need. And to be ok with being rejected.

And it turns out that being rejected is ok. That letting go of your puffed up identity is like having a weight released off your chest. That being ok with being in need makes you feel almost invincible. It makes you trust that it’s just ok. It makes you realize that you have helped others in need and not judged them. That times of need come and go. And to be repetitively redundant, that it’s just ok.

Specific Examples of Honest Communication

I have discovered that my core wounds in this area are around having a place to stay and having enough money. These have been the ones that have always eaten at me when I go into the unknown. I have realized that for others, their fears are different. These are mine.

I did one of my favorite techniques–ego negotiation–around this process. What came up is that my ego asked for more planning. Specifically, it asked me to begin looking for a place to stay when I’m going to go to a new city four days in advance. This felt very lame and not very on-the-edge to me at first but I realized I was paying a heavy psychological/adrenal price living entirely in the unknown, so I relented and agreed.

I then realized that this “living completely in the unknown” was allowing me to coverup a core fear of mine. Asking for what I need. I realized it was terrifying for me to call (text) someone and explicitly say, “Hey, I am coming to Berkeley. Can I stay with you?” Just point blank. No beating around the bush.

My first few attempts were actually fairly clumsy in this regard. I couldn’t just come out and say it and would write a lot of unnecessary stuff without just going for it. There was an impotence. But I persevered and tried just making a direct request. And it worked. And I felt better.

I continued making different requests along these lines and I started feeling better. I started feeling like I was being more respectful to people by giving them a heads up and also more confident because I was giving myself some time to set things up in advance.

I may be getting pretty stodgy in my old age (wink), but I do feel a greater sense of peace.

The Payoff in Relationships

It also made me realize how many games I have played in relationships to get my needs met, whether it’s trying to court a lover, get a business deal, or just negotiate life with roommates. My impotence around just coming out and saying things has affected my life in a substantially negative way. Being more willing and able to just say what I need to say has attracted better relationships into my life with people who are wanting the same thing.

And while my first attempts were clumsy, either too indirect or too aggressive, I can feel a certain grace descending upon me; a discovery of how to navigate relationships with others in a way where both parties feel good and respected. And like it’s ok to be who they are and feel how they feel. It’s pretty rad.

Switching it Up–What’s Been Going On

I spent much of the month in the Bay Area–San Francisco, Berkeley, and Oakland. I did some performing; I went to an old friend’s wedding and performed there. I retreated to a lakeside cabin with a friend and did a lot of training and worked on a new show incorporating many of the suggestions some of you have been so kind as to offer. I had an amazing Jewish style birthday campfire singalong and a Waldorf school adventure. And most recently, I went to–and performed at–my first juggling festival in Portland, Oregon and spent time with and befriended some of the best jugglers and street performers in the world. I learned a lot and was very inspired. Being around so many people who have so successfully done what I’m in the process of doing made my plans feel a lot more real and reasonable. And on the last day of the month I wound up in Tacoma, Washington to start the next month anew.

There was one final surprise in store.

Warning: Galactic Activation Ahead

On that final day of September, I was introduced to something called changa, which I encourage the psychonauts among you to read about here. My guidance clearly told me that this was necessary for me to do, even though at this point my usage of entheogens is, to put it mildly, few and far between.

I still have an affinity for “drugs” even though I don’t really do them anymore so I was pretty excited to get the internal green light. I took 3 hits and felt the intense melt-away of reality that the DMT experience produces.

I was immediately attacked by feelings of darkness, fear and assault so intense that I have experienced nothing even remotely close to them, including in my final LSD trip four years ago, where I experienced such intensely fearful things that I nearly went insane. This was about three times stronger than that.

What had changed in the meantime was me. Four years ago, I was a happy-go-lucky kid. A psychic but a confused one. I only believed in manifestation and positive thinking. Four years ago, I could not believe what was happening to me.

Four years later, three-quarters of the way through 2012, I am not confused. I know who I am. I know what I’m here to do. I am Otis Funkmeyer. I am the Galactic Activator. I live in the 5th dimension. I am headed to Heaven on Earth with no detours. And I’m not scared of darkness/evil/aliens/spirits/entities/Satan or anything else. I am a sovereign being who creates my own reality on my own terms. I am of the light and I head in the direction of light. No one and no thing can cause me to turn away from this.

And that’s what I learned. I was initiated. My strength was tested and I came out victorious. I vanquished my fear of inner demons and reaffirmed my commitment to the light.

Why I Say This aka If This Sounds Crazy To You

Part of this then is me coming out of yet another closet and claiming my identity. Claiming my beliefs. And being willing to share them. Openly and honestly. To get my own needs of sharing and expression met.

Even more so, I write this to those of you who this resonates with. Who understand the experience I had and who are either affirmed in their own experiences or inspired to recommit in their own way to the reality that they want to create. To commit to the infinite power of the light and to know that it is who and what they are and that nothing and no one can shake them out of it and that it’s just ok.

With that said… Until we meet again homies. Until we meet again.

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