On Surrender

Life has been quite the little roller-coaster lately. Can you relate? I haven’t been humbled like this in as long as I can remember. Like hands on knees, why oh why kind of days and nights.

This has eased up slightly and I have realized a couple things that are worth passing on:

  • Greatness comes out of weakness, not without weakness.
  • If it feels like you’ve hit bottom, you’re on the verge of a breakthrough.

I have been shown parts of myself that I truly would have preferred not to have seen or dealt with. If it had been possible, I think I would have gone my whole life without dealing with these darker sides of myself. Because looking at them, facing them, accepting that these truly are parts of *me*, the same me that I thought was so light-filled and beautiful, isn’t so pretty.

But yet again (and I’m sure it will be again and again and again) I learn that the purpose of life is joy, but that continued joy requires continued expansion and change. So if you are scared to change in a certain direction, whoops, there goes the joy!

This is such a beautiful way for life to work. It’s like on auto-pilot. It’s like ok, make the people enjoy doing this. Check. Now, make them scared of doing that. Check. Now make that sound exciting. Make them wanna do it. Check. Oh shit. Now I want to do something that scares me. And on and on and on and on it goes.

And now, after millenia of being scared and growing, we’re hitting the really tough ones. The collective fears of abundance, sexuality, uncertainty, and total joy and freedom. The ones we have really put the brakes on for so long. And since time is speeding up so much, gearing up for the total collapse of space and time at the end of the 13th cycle of the Mayan Calendar on the Winter Solstice of 2012, we gotta squeeze all those old fears out. So I predict more and more people are going to want to be rich transsexual hedonists, just to get through the fears as quickly as possible!

Here’s a good example. Tonight I went to a spiritual center that just has the most amazing music. It’s live music that makes you want to dance and jump out of your soul (or at least that’s how it makes me feel). And I noticed that not a single person is going crazy dancing. And all I want to do is go crazy dancing. That is the most obvious thing I could think of doing. But no one is doing it, and I don’t want to be the ONE crazy guy in the place, having everyone looking at me. That sounds scary. BUT! That’s what I *WANT* to do. That is the most natural thing, that’s what I would do if I didn’t know the cultural norms, that’s what God is calling me to do. And I didn’t. And that’s weakness. Truly. It may be a perfectly normal, perfectly acceptable and understandable weakness, but it’s weakness nevertheless. And I see now, that when I do this, when I really DO let go and let God and dance my soul off, this is where greatness comes from. It comes from doing the things that most people are too weak to do. Too conditioned and too sheep-like. And so of COURSE greatness is scary. And so of course the PATH to greatness is fraught with breakdowns, periods where you really want to die you’re so scared of what you are being asked to do.

And so all you have to do to get to greatness is just go through it. Just keep walking and moving forward, even if some of the time you have your head between your legs as you do so. And stay humble, because staying humble is like staying close to the ground as the bullets whiz by. That ego will get your ass capped, or at least it got my ass capped. And be patient, because like finding love, the going gets tough when you least expect it.

So yah, on the UPSIDE, when you do get capped by that great purifying machine gun of God, you know that things have gotten so bad, you have not taken the gentle nudges for so long, that it was time for your ass to get laid out. And boy does that feel like shit. But at the same time, it means that a change has come, a change that will ULTIMATELY, as in, AFTER THE FACT, feel good, no matter how it feels at the time that it’s happening.

The cool part though is that it encourages you to start taking the nudges more, cuz when you do, you get all the upside of the change without that feeling that can only be described as worse than death.

Me, I’m still going through it. I’m definitely not on the other side of this change yet. But I’m working, striving, learning, and I know that when it’s all said and done, I’m going to be a lot more free, a lot more loving, a lot more humble, and a LOT closer to God. Which is really all I care about at this point.

I am a robot of God!

Let our joy be so triumphant, that we rest in God and say Amen.

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